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Dementee - image

Words from Before It's Too Late by Goo Goo Dolls.

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Friends.


I have never thought that it is necessary to write a blazing post about my personal feelings and thoughts. As a matter of fact, I seldom pour out my sorrows in a blog cause' I think by writing, it cannot fully express the extent to which how I am actually feeling. However for today, I shall make it an exception.

So today I was listlessly sitting on the mrt alone listening to ''angels brought me here'' over and over again, yet the music seemed very much like chantings to me. Even the warmth of the Christmas season was tragically reduced to nothingness.

For some reason, something has been weighing me down in my heart, really really hard.


It suddenly dawned upon me that as we grow up, life is much more complicated.Things changes, but people gradually learn to adapt to it. It is however blissful to keep a simple yet innocent friendship.

I have never thought that friendship could be so fragile, and it is not like you break it and you can use UHU glue to stick it back.(heck,I dont even know what I am typing right now)


Point is, things will never be the same again really.


Its funny how things work.People can be great friends and have fun and all one day,and the next moment, just because of ONE insignificant rumour that emerged outta nowhere, it crumbles the whole friendship up.

Like, I never got to share my side of the story and assumptions are immediately made.

It pains me that you trust the words(more than you trust me?), of whoever the person is? Who made me up to be that kind of person?

I gave our friendship the best that I could ever offer even though there might be friction, inevitably.




Today, it rained. The cold atmosphere was exceptionally cold. In fact, too cold. That it stung me hard. And bitter.


And then when I read your blog, my tears came flowing out fast and free,as much as I tried to swallow back my tears. I broke down. Again. And the most painful thing is crying for someone who doesnt cry for you.



So I looked out of the window at the naked trees of December, searching for some comfort at the very least.

In that very moment, the time we spent together was replayed in my mind like a film without sound. To you, we might not be the oh-i-could-die-for-you friends, yet the pain of not quite, but almost losing a friend hurts.



It fucking hurts.



I felt that I had lost myself. Lost you. Lost every single moment that we once shared. And sometimes in life, once you loses something, you can never get it back.


Even when I was struggling to type this out, my fingers was desperately trying not to press the 'delete' key(thankfully).


I felt very suffocated. Almost choking. Finally I scrolled down the phone book in my phone and finally decided upon a number. So I summoned every single fibre of my courage, and called S. And literally let out everything like I've never talk at all in my entire 17 years of life.

Holy smoke,at that point of time I could feel my veins throbbing wildly in my head wtf and really buaytahan until I was literally drowning in my own pool of tears.


She said that to talk to you face to face is the best solution. Yet the moment I picture me looking into your eyes, it pains me really.(I wish I could just hug my beanie and die. wtf.)


Maybe what she said is right: Yesterday is history,Tomorrow is mystery, and Today is a gift.


Perhaps I should just let go and move on.

(Sorry you-know-who-you-are, for which ever way that I might have hurt you, really. Let everything be yesterdays, let everything be history, ok?)

Labels: Thanks S. sigh the sleepless nights.

7:44 AM ·